today, i want everyone to know how much i love:

calvin & hobbes

papa murphy's cowboy pizza

and

brand new, college-ruled, spiral bound notebooks

that is all.

reasons i love my mom...

there are lots of them. but here's one that cracks me up.

first off, i love the old school disney movies... especially the princess ones. i might pretend to be a bad ass, but i'm a sucker for the little mermaid/mulan/aladdin/etc.

i also love stickers.

so, everytime my mom goes to the bank. she asks them for a disney princess sticker for her daughter. she leaves out the part about her daughter being almost 24 years old...

she never even makes fun of my childlike joy. she just comes in with a grin on her face & says "i got you a present!"

it's great. i love it. and her.

gross.

ashton's latest discovery: pre-made/pre-packaged food makes me sick... like makes me feel so disgusting and my stomach feel so awful that i've almost been tempted to throw up a few times...

just thought you would all love to know.

how many days on the wagon again?

47 days, still no alcohol. this is easily the longest i have ever been sober in the last five years... i still have issues with craving it though, and wanting to drink when things get stressful or i'm sad.

a matter of trust

by billy joel (you'll have to excuse me... the piano man & i are having a serious "moment"...)

Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
And they may not want it to end
But it will, it's just a question of when
I've lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned
But that won't happen to us
'Cause it's always been a matter of trust

I know you're an emotional girl
It took a lot for you to not lose your faith in this world
I can't offer you proof
But you're gonna face a moment of truth
It's hard when you're always afraid
You just recover when another belief is betrayed
So break my heart if you must
It's a matter of trust

You can't go the distance
With too much resistance
I know you have doubts
But for God's sake don't shut me out

This time you've got nothing to lose
You can take it, you can leave it, whatever you choose
I won't hold back anything
And I'll walk away a fool or a king
Some love is just a lie of the mind
It's make believe until it's only a matter of time
And some might have learned to adjust
But then it never was a matter of trust

(INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE)

I'm sure you're aware love,
We've both had our share of believing too long
When the whole situation was wrong

Some love is just a lie of the soul
A constant battle for the ultimate state of control
After you've heard lie upon lie
There can hardly be a question of why
Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
But that can't happen to us
'Cause it's always been a matter of trust

It's a matter of trust
It's always been a matter of trust
It's a matter of trust

you may be right

by billy joel

Friday night I crashed your party
Saturday I said I'm sorry
Sunday came and trashed it out again
I was only having fun
Wasn't hurting anyone
And we all enjoyed the weekend for a change

I've been stranded in the combat zone
I walked through Bedford Stuy alone
Even rode my motorcycle in the rain
And you told me not to drive
But I made it home alive
So you said that only proves that I'm insane

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

Remember how I found you there
Alone in your electric chair
I told you dirty jokes until you smiled
You were lonely for a man
I said take me as I am
'Cause you might enjoy some madness for a while

Now think of all the years you tried to
Find someone to satisfy you
I might be as crazy as you say
If I'm crazy then it's true
That it's all because of you
And you wouldn't want me any other way

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
It's too late to fight
It's too late to change me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
You may be right

You may be wrong but you may be right

i can/i can't/i want/i am

i can be stable.

i can be motivated/motivating.

i can be confident.

i can't promise that everything will be perfect.

and i can't promise that it will be easy.

but i sure as hell would like to try.

i want to be happy, i'm going to be happy.

most of all, i am doing this for me... i'd just like you along for the ride.

you can do better than me

You Can Do Better Than Me- Death Cab for Cutie

I'm starting to feel
We stay together out of fear
Of dying alone

I've been slipping through the years
My old clothes don't fit like they once did
So they hang like ghosts
Of the people I've been

It's like my heart can't be tamed
And I fall in love every day
And I feel like a fool

I have to face the truth
That no one could ever look at me like you do
Like I'm something worth holding on to

There's times I think of leaving
But it's something I'll never do
'Cause you can do better than me
But I can't do better than you

i was once a loyal lover

You can't even begin to know
How many times I've told myself "I told you so"
And you can't even begin to believe
There's so many bridges engulfed in flames behind me.

you are the ever-living ghost of what once was.

i was obviously full of shit when i assured everyone i could handle seeing him, because it's been two days since laying eyes on the boy and i'm still breaking down in tears every hour or so...





how would i usually handle a breakdown such as this? with copious amounts of liquor, of course.





how should i handle a breakdown such as this now that i'm on the wagon? no effing clue.



good thing i have dayspring today. this whole lack of coping skills must be remedied.



on the plus side: i'm finally working again. yay for moolah! i'm so tired of being broke... also, pagan pride is on the 12th and the yeah yeah yeah's are playing on the 13th. so that's something to look forward to.



oh! and an oregon trip at the beginning of october. it's been too long.

yes, that's right ashton... look for positives...